My first experience with deep loss, the kind that makes you feel like you can’t breathe, like you’re having a nightmare and no one can hear you scream, was when my mom died in 2006. I want to take a few minutes to share her story as it gives some context to this site.

Choices

Mom (Sara or Sara Aunty to many) was a strong, beautiful person with a love for the Lord, her family and the people that God directed into her life. She was fearless in her pursuit of God’s purpose for her. Mom had immigrated from Kerala, India to Chicago in the early 1980s and continued her nursing career in the U.S. My parents had both committed to the Pentecostal faith a few years earlier and they felt led by the Holy Spirit to make a decision to abstain from seeking medical solutions to health challenges. For them, this included even a simple Tylenol for headaches! It became a deep-rooted belief they held throughout their Christian journey.

Mom suffered many health challenges over the years. My sister and I were witness to many of these and how she handled them gracefully. Each time, she firmly believed that in His time, God was able to provide relief from suffering or complete healing. Until then, His grace was enough to carry her through.

Calling

In 2004, a breast cancer diagnosis was certainly the toughest challenge to date. Mom resolved to not seek medical treatment. She resigned from her job and eventually the cancer metastasized. She was unable to walk, stand or even sit up without help. My parents’ bedroom suddenly transformed into a hospital triage unit. My dad quit his job and became mom’s full-time nurse, as her ability to perform daily living activities declined.

Ironically, mom had been a nurse at a Rehabilitation hospital in Dallas. For years, she had served as a care provider for patients who suffered from spinal cord injuries, strokes or other neurological conditions, many who dealt with paralysis as a lifelong outcome. I bet she never knew she’d be able to relate to her own patients in such a personal way.

Over the next 1.5 years we had a non-stop stream of family friends, the Indian Pentecostal church community, prayer warriors and mom’s nursing colleagues visit her at home. Some were hopeful they could convince her to change her mind and seek some kind of treatment, but she remained committed to her decision.

Perfect Love

My dad was her biggest cheerleader throughout the whole journey. This transformed their marriage and allowed us to see a different side of his character and strength. Although she was weak in her body, I witnessed my mom using her bed as a platform to speak boldly and without fear about her convictions. Her physical health continued to decline and with mom’s approval, we made a family decision to seek in-home hospice care for her, until she passed several months later. When I think of the shared committment my parents had to the God they serve and to each other, I’m reminded of a verse from scripture.

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”

1 John 4:18

What’s Next?

I wish I could tell you that I was prepared to accept her loss and that my long-standing relationship with Christ was a protective factor. Instead, I plunged into a season of confusion, doubt and anger.

Comfort measures I thought would help offered no rescue. Mom wasn’t coming back and this was the raw reality I had to work through. I spent the following months with more questions than answers. Hours spent searching for answers and comfort always led me back to God’s Word where I discovered promises that I had previously glazed over. Now they were a lifeline.

Eventually, the unknown became the catalyst for growth. I discovered that experiencing deep loss on this side of heaven allows for a deeper connection with the Lord. It also gave me a chance to have conversations with others walking through their own pressing situations.

More recently, my dad also passed unexpectedly and the experience of losing another parent has been unique. I hope this blog will serve as a resource for others who are walking through grief. Friends, God has shown me His faithfulness and new mercies in many ways, big and small. He is willing and able to do the same for you.