“Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me.”

ISAIAH 49:16

Never Forgotten

This year, on a family trip to Texas, we took some time to visit the spot that both my parents were laid to rest, right next to each other. There’s something so powerful about making this emotional connection to my parents, even during my adult phase of life, that makes me feel like a child all over again. It’s like having all your childhood memories come flooding back in a matter of minutes! It can be overwhelming. It can be draining. For some people, it can be healing.

It’s been over a decade since my mom died and the strange, awkward package of emotions somehow still creeps up. It’s a mix of feeling motherless, alone, insecure and isolated. Although certainly not as raw as they were in the early years after mom’s death, I don’t think they will ever go away or be something I get over. Instead, it’s been something I’ve been working through and will continue to.

It was hard enough having to deal with the loss of one parent. When my dad also passed, unexpectedly in 2019, I immediately felt like an orphan. I know that’s usually a term reserved for children without parents but that was my immediate emotional response. A sense of abandonment crept up when I least expected it and I started to wonder who I belong to.

Identity

Maybe it’s a good time to provide some cultural context here. In the Indian culture, there’s a practice of referring to families by using a paternal “family name”. This is different from a formal last name and is passed down generationally. It creates a sense of identity, especially when families move around. It offers a sense of belonging and community, regardless of where you are. Especially during family reunions, I’ve seen people print this unque name on T-shirts for everyone to wear.

As long as dad was around, in a way, I knew who I belonged to and where I came from. Although I’m married and have a family of my own, there was still a sense of comfort with knowing my dad’s physical presence was still around. For many months after his passing, I felt a deep loss of identity and unable to really express it in words.

Over time, God reminded me that I’m not an orphan because I am His. He will never abandon me, even though my earthly parents were no longer with me. The passage in Isaiah 20 reminds us that God calls us by name, even before birth. He begins to form an intimate relationship with us that surpasses the depth of our earthly relationships. What an amazing invitation to pursue this relationship with God, my provider. My Jehova Jireh, my everything.